ISSUE 36: EAT UP, DUDE (PART 4)
A sequel rarely captures the magic of their predecessor. Everything is an overdose of the original. A bigger budget doesn't aways guarantee a better product. Sadly, the TMNT films fell into this predicament, but fortunately, The Sewer Den does not. It's no secret (of the ooze) that I love TMNT food-related merchandise. Lord of the Rings it is not, but I've written 3 issues covering the topic.
Eat Up, Dude: Part 1
Eat Up, Dude: Part 2
Eat Up, Dude: Part 3
Have I exhausted my collection of this stuff? Will the world go hungry without another TMNT food-related issue?
Fear not, your bellies will be fine. The Sewer Den's collection of silly snacks and food-related items continues. Put a napkin on your lap and dig into another sequel - Eat Up, Dude: Part 4 (Bigger, Badder, and Uncut!)
Like most sequels, I'm going to go easy on the dialogue and heavy on the action. How does that translate to a Sewer Den issue? Well, I'll attempt to keep the writing to a minimum, and push the pictures to the max. These pieces from my collection will be getting some serious screen time.
Meals usually begin with a beverage. At a restaurant, that's where waiters and waitresses always start. This issue is no different. Pop in a straw and take a sip from a TMNT juice box.
Four drinks packed into four different designs. Each Turtle takes a flavor to call their own. The liquid is long gone from these guys. Folded, ripped, and plagued with juice stains, the boxes have been beat into the ground.
As a kid, the packaging on juice and cereal boxes offered me the best entertainment. The vivid colors and alluring language kept me quiet during a meal. My little eyes peered at the packaging in awe.
These TMNT beverages are no different. The packaging design is absolutely awesome. No space is left empty. The front, back, and even the sides are covered in mutant works of art. Each flavor presents a unique scene - showcasing our heroes duking it out with the wackiest of villains. The major baddies are surprisingly absent. Shredder, Krang, Rocksteady, and Bebop are left thirsty.
But, no complaints here. It's nice to see the lesser-known mutants getting their 15 minutes of fame. When characters like Wingnut and Mondo Gecko are getting their due, I'm a happy dude.
Dive in for a deeper look at each character's beverage.
MICHELANGELO'S AMAZING ORANGE
That's a lot of liquid!
Decades later, maybe it's a blessing these beverages are empty. If Donatello's Rad Grape was still inside, the juice may have fermented into a wine.
Many foods from the 90's threw the idea of healthy out the window. But surprisingly, the TMNT juices pride themselves on being 100% Natural. No Artificial Flavors. No Artificial Colors. No Preservatives Added. But, notice how it doesn't say anything about No Sugar?
BURGER KING CUPS
Sure, drinking out of a juice box is awesome. But occasionally, you find yourself wanting to up the ante and bring an element of class to your meal. You know, like the times when your Mom whips out the fine China only when guests are visiting. Well, TMNT fans need their own brand of delicate dishes too - something suited for royalty. That's when you bring in the King!
Burger King released 4 drinking cups back in 1990. Hand-washed with care, they are in stellar shape. Like the juice boxes, the cups also provide plenty of entertainment for your eyeballs. Zany scenarios take place beneath your lips with every sip.
The cups are very family friendly. The Turtles no longer live in a world plagued with crime. Their days of fighting in battle are long gone. Now, life is beautiful - peace on Earth. Their only mission? Have fun. Surf, skate, and dance the day away.
Even the diabolical villains have given up their quest in taking over the world. Apparently, a game of volleyball seemed like a more realistic goal. Bebop and Rocksteady attempt to defeat the Turtles one bump, set, and spike at a time.
Where are his swimmies? Shredder even takes a break and goes for a dip. Forget spending time fighting the Turtles, how about a swim lesson, dude?
April even jumps on board...literally.
There are so many magical moments here, take a look at 'em all.
If the Burger King cups weren't enough to make you feel like royalty, how about THIS?
The TMNT goblet is fit for nothing less than a king. It's massive! If the 9 inches of height doesn't impress you, maybe the 40 oz capacity will. Yes, this baby holds up to 40 oz! That's 3.3 cans of soda. Can't quench your thirst? Drink from the goblet!
If anyone is curious what kind of glass you're drinking from, they won't wonder for long. Since the goblet is so grand, the TMNT logo on the back acts as a billboard.
As if the size wasn't impressive enough, the design certainly dials up the pizazz. Goblets are meant to be gaudy with gems and loud colors. Here, the bandanna is the crowning jewel of this goblet. Glittery goodness takes Raphael's usual red mask from simple to supreme. With every sip, comes a sparkling shimmer.
Did you save room for dessert? The Sewer Den has plenty of it on the menu. Forget a slice of pizza, how about a slice of pie?
Well, no real pie here unfortunately. But, this button I stumbled upon a few years ago is just as good. The seller didn't know much about it and neither did I. Of course, that didn't stop me from forking over a few bucks for this bizarre button. Time hasn't made me any wiser. The button remains a mystery...
This is no goblet. The TMNT Pies button is tiny.
Although it has most properties of a standard button, the back is lacking the key part - a pin. No spearing this guy through your shirt or back pack - rendering the whole idea pretty pointless. But hey, it's still pretty darn cool.
Thousands of different PEZ dispensers have been released over the years. Their momentum remains strong as stores continue to carry them in bulk. Although the dispensers might all look similar in some capacity, the same does not hold true for the boxes they are displayed in.
The 2003 cartoon series saw another line of TMNT PEZ hitting store shelves. This time, the green machines got their product displayed in this fancy box.
How about an official seal? Well, slip this box around and you'll find one. The stuff is legit - no bootleg PEZ dispensers here!
For those counting their calories, nutrition facts are also hiding on the back of the box. 35 cals for a whole roll of PEZ? Not too shabby. But alas, no protein.
SECRET OF THE OOZE:
SQUEEZE & LICK LOLLIPOP
The name says it all. If I had to define what that name meant, I'd go with this: a gross, goopy, semiliquid substance meant for consumption. Injected with sweetness and intended for fun, but not guaranteed.
No, not really. But, is it a fun idea? YES. Kids love gross out gags, especially if it gives them a chance to play with their food. Consuming this candy could turn you into a Turtle! As every squirt of ooze sludged out of the tube and into your mouth, you came closer and closer to mutation. But most likely, it just gave you a sugar high and maybe a cavity.
The substance inside the tube is so strange that even the creators didn't know what it was. They chalked up the taste as "Fruit Flavor." What does that even mean? There are hundreds of different types of fruit across the globe. Banana, peach, cumquat - what is in this tube?! I guess that's why it's called Secret of the Ooze - the secret is the flavor.
Like any other big-budgeted blockbuster, I'm leaving this one open for a sequel. But, my saga isn't about box office dollars. This is a passion project. I love TMNT food-related merchandise. The gimmicky lure, spirited design, and overwhelming wackiness are simply amazing. With Nickelodeon churning out new episodes of the Turtles, my appetite for the stuff grows hungrier and hungrier...
What are you craving?