Totally Tubular Treasures: Piñata!


EDITOR'S NOTE: This column showcases my random discoveries of TMNT merchandise. Despite the extensive collection from my childhood, I still find myself making Turtle purchases as an adult. Totally Tubular Treasures highlights just that.

Life in New York City is very different than the rest of America. Most people don't drive. You own apartments, not houses. But, most importantly, there isn't a Wal-Mart. While the rest of the country has the opportunity to purchase hoards of merchandise at cheaper prices, us city folks are forced to pay top dollar for the same junk.

But when I get the chance to visit my parents, I'm in luck. Hello Wal-Mart. It's remarkable how much fun a routine pit stop at the big box store can be for me. I'm like Dorothy landing in Oz, in a lush world, foreign, strange, and exciting. Step by step, I push my shopping cart down that yellow brick road...

The latest adventure brought me into new territory. As I strolled down the aisles, I felt someone (something!) watching me. I turned my head, and there it was - my latest Totally Tubular Treasure. Like a gargoyle perched on Notre Dame, there was a Raphael piñata staring down upon me.

Party time. I had to nab this one. Before you could say "booyakasha," the piñata was in my shopping cart.

Oh, the savage ritual of beating a piñata. We've all done it - unleashing our inner beast for the hope of candy. Our true colors are revealed during that quick, blindfolded moment. There's the sugar-craving kid full of excitement, or the anger-induced bully swinging to kill. You learn a lot from a person wielding a bat.

The whole routine sounds completely insane until you remember the goal - candy. It literally rains candy.

Proudly standing at 2 foot tall, the Raphael piñata is glorious. He's like one of those stone lions people place in front of their homes. An intimidating and vicious guardian of your dwelling. If the stare and stance weren't daunting enough, Raphael also has a few weapons hidden near his shell.

But again, forget the tough mug and piercing gaze - it all boils down to candy. This hollow dude is meant for a party. Hang him up and knock him down! My birthday is only weeks away. But, I love this piñata. LOVE. Now, I've got a dilemma on my hands. Do I beat this magnificent piñata to a pulp for the sake of celebration? Or should Raphael stay intact and join the rest of the collection in The Sewer Den?

Decisions, decisions. Getting older is tough. What's your vote?

Totally Tubular Treasure: 2013 Nickelodeon TMNT Raphael Piñata
Where The Heck Did You Find This: Wal-Mart
Amount Paid: $17.99 (yeah, that ain't cheap)
Level of Awesome: Bodacious

Oh yeah, the best part? My Mom ended up buying this for me.


  1. I vote keep it intact. It's really well done and captures Raph's likeness well. For your birthday try to find a cheaper surrogate piñata from a lesser franchise, or even a generic rainbow donkey. I'm sure beating the stuffing out of it will feel just as satisfying.

    If I destroyed this thing, at the time I'd get caught up in the invigorating frenzy, sure, but moments later I'd fall to my knees, clutch at the tattered remains and shout to the heavens, "What have I done?!"

    1. I would love to spend my birthday bashing a "generic rainbow donkey." It doesn't get better than that!

  2. I say keep it intact for the rest of time. It doesn't get much better than that, ya know.

    Besides, me bashing it in would be a terrible thought right after I've done it. Generic piñatas are much better for the job.


Forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza.

Comment here!