ISSUE 41: SEWER UNDIES
There's one decision every man must make in life. A choice that defines your character - a true representation of your personality. Make the wrong assessment and the outcome is...uncomfortable.
Boxers or briefs?
I made this sacred underwear decision on the cusp of being a teenager. Forget tests and homework, this was a pinnacle life moment for a kid in middle school. After much debate, I declared myself a boxers-type dude. The relaxed fit and fun, shorts-like style reflected my charisma.
I've never looked back...
What you're about to witness is sweeter than chocolate, more sensual than a rose, and hotter than pizza fresh out of the oven. In honor of Valentine's Day, I am opening up my underwear drawer. Ladies, please, calm down. My skivvies pack some passion, but mostly deliver a wallop of Turtle Power.
ORIGINAL BAD ASS
Before my decision to wear boxers, I roamed the sewers in this. I'd strut my stuff like a boss in these bad boys. The Turtles were enjoying their wave of success in the 90's while I was enjoying the comfort of this cool cotton fabric.
Here, the Turtles fight the Foot Clan AND guard your family jewels. Can those boring, plain white briefs do that? Doubtful, dudes.
I'm sure my Mom would tell you I was one cute kid in these undies, but Gollum in a loincloth is probably a more accurate visual.
LOVE IS A FUNNY THING
On the search for steamy? Well, keep looking. These underwear are 100% cotton, and 100% silly.
Like planets around the sun, floating Turtle heads orbit your waistline (insert Uranus joke here).
The pattern is spot on. All four Turtles and my favorite logo design wrapped from front to back. But, just as my boxer-wearing excitement builds, I get a glimpse of Donatello's lingering eyes. What are those peepers gazing at, Donny?
I think he is scoping out my goods...
WHY SO SERIOUS?
Want your undies to pack a punch? Slip on these boxers and you're booty will be battle ready.
Leonardo and Raphael are hiding their silly side here. No smiles, only butt-kicking business. Although the whole gang is posed for an attack, only these two are ready to strike. Why so mad, guys? Maybe it's because of their crotch proximity.
If these underwear ride up during the day, no sweat. Show off that totally awesome, and totally green, "Cowabunga!" waistline. Flaunt it if you've got it.
These boxers aren't subtle. Whether you're farsighted, nearsighted, or even blind, you'll still see the massive logo clear as crystal. Stamped on your tush, you're branded with Turtle Power. You'll be advertising the green machines every time you drop your pants.
THE PARTY FOR YOUR WAGON
Don't assume you're on the guest list. The celebration is exclusive. Chances are only a select few are invited to this party.
It doesn't get any goofier than this. Michelangelo brings his brand of zaniness to your nether regions. By wearing these underwear, you're not only covering yourself up, but also committing to the wild conduct that comes with it. You must embody the spirit of Michelangelo, a.k.a. "the party dude."
The other Turtles ride the caboose - literally. Twirl this puppy around to reveal Leonardo, Donatello, and Raphael on your backside. That's one radical rump.
TOO HOT TO TROT
The sewers never seemed so sexy. Are you getting flustered? I bet you didn't think mutant turtles could have that effect.
Whether you're looking to woo the ladies or just aiming to look absurd, these drawers are for you. At a glance, they could be mistaken for women's panties. But I assure you, these mutated briefs are for men.
The seductive underwear entered my collection as a Christmas gift...from my parents...
I still haven't mustered up the courage to slip into this spicy pair of drawers. They're risqué and racy, but are they radical? Can the Master of The Sewer Den, an avid fan of boxers, pull off such steamy briefs?
The Sewer Den is filled with so many underwear options! Deciding between silly and sexy is a dilemma ninjas aren't familiar with. Do you play the cowabunga card and bring the party? Or do you call on cupid to bring the romance?
There's also the ninja art of invisibility... (choosing neither!)
Which TMNT undies would you wear this Valentine's Day?