The Monstrous Mistake

Pizza-eating teenage Turtles? Strange concept.
Pizza-eating teenage Turtles dressed up for Halloween? Stranger concept.

TMNT has had many crossovers since their early days in the 80s. The fun-loving mutants and their brand of zany hijinks make mashing up with other franchises an obvious opportunity. From stupid silly to completely cool, the Heroes in a Half Shell have donned many looks, borrowing from many pop culture characters. Star Trek, WWE, Trolls, and now Ghostbusters - there weren't, and still aren't, any limits to the looniness of TMNT crossovers. My favorite, and a favorite to all Halloween fiends, is the TMNT x Universal Monsters crossover. This wave of toys saw the Turtles mash up'd with classic movie monsters. We're talking the big players in horror history, every freak from Frankenstein to the Invisible Man.

This batch of weirdos was a long time much-sought-after Holy Grail for me. There were 2 waves of figures, 4 in each, and I only had one of the 8 figures while growing up (Creature from the Black Lagoon Leo). Bless the sewer gods, I successfully scooped up a complete set years ago for a decent price - before TMNT toy prices went off the rails. I am engaged, own a house, and even directed 98-minute feature film, but this purchase still might've been the best thing I've ever done.

Horror Movie Mutants

Monsters. Mutants. Toys! In the 90s, TMNT exploded on the classic horror scene with some of the best figures to ever be released. Two waves of Universal Monsters-inspired figures made their way onto store shelves. From Wolfman Leonardo to Bride of Frankenstein April, toy creators behaved like mad scientists - taking the momentum of the TMNT popularity and mutating it with the likeness of classic horror movie monsters. Even today, these figures are held in extremely high regard from collectors.

Despite the Universal Monsters' iconic status, they never scared me as a kid. Their imagery was legendary, but lacked the venom of the then-current wave of horror movie icons. Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween - these films were still being released in theaters and scaring the heck out of me when I eventually saw them on cable television. As much as I loved Frankenstein, I couldn't say the same about his films. The famous monster evolved over the decades, becoming more of a symbol and less of a scare tactic.

As a TMNT-obsessed kid, I wanted my mutants horrifying! I dreamt of a mutated crossover, mashing up both TMNT and horror movie slashers in toy form. Unfortunately, we never saw that day. The 90s were a time before the internet, custom action figures, and the popularity of adult toy collectors. Luckily, I was an imaginative kid. Movies were make believe, so why couldn't my toys be too? Well, that's just what I did. With a little imagination, I pretended a batch of my TMNT action figures were actually horror movie maniacs. 

I'm giving you a peek behind the curtain, a toy box filled with horror movie mutants. This is how I played with my Turtles toys around Halloween. Some of it makes sense, a lot of doesn't. But, that's the spirit of Halloween, right?

Flea Market Fallout (2016)

Summer is coming to a close. For many of us, it's already over. But before the curtain closes on the season, one objective was imperative to make my summer complete - a flea market excursion.

New York City is a flea market wasteland. If you know me, I'm always whining about this like a big baby. You'd think the Big Apple would be an oasis of age old treasures, but let me tell you, it's worthless. There's nothing. The few fleas that do exist are hipster mutations where a $5 iced coffee is the best deal to be found. Note: it's not a flea market when lobster rolls are the snack of choice. That's why I make the point to escape the pretentiousness and venture to the Columbus Flea Market in the farmlands of New Jersey. This massive lot of vendors is the real deal. Real people. Real junk. No lobster rolls. The trip has become a summer tradition for me and my Mom. Jess, my fiancé, tagged along this year too. We filled a thermos of coffee for the long drive and made the 2 hour trek to the beautiful, down-to-Earth flea market in quest for beautiful junk.

I Spent Over $200 On Old Toys

Through a series of connections, I was offered an exclusive opportunity to purchase some of the rarest of TMNT toys. Larges bins were exhumed from the back of a New Jersey toy shop in my honor. This lost loot of treasure wasn't available to the public, making me feel like a celebrity. We carefully emptied the contents onto the floor, creating a pile of TMNT rarities that made my sewer-dwelling heart flutter with enthusiasm. Like Gollum searching for the ring, I got on my hands & knees searching for my precious. I sifted through dozens of figures, wandering though this living dream. I had never seen some of these toys in real life! They were perfect by my standards - opened from their packaging, included all their accessories & were in beautiful condition. I combed through them, analyzing them in awe, like a jeweler inspecting a flawless diamond.

Most of the fun came from just seeing these extremely uncommon TMNT toys in person. But of course, I had to buy something. Avoiding bankruptcy, I managed to leave by only spending a little over $200. Yes, I spent over $200 on old toys. Take a peek at the haul that still has me in disbelief.

Haircuts In A Halfshell

Bravery. Honor. Hair gel?

When it comes to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, lots of things come to mind, but haircuts are not one of them. Yet somehow, lots of wacky hairdos can be spotted in my TMNT toy collection. Why do good guys, bad guys & other freaky mutants have hair? The 90s were weird times, man.
Let's take a trip to the sewer salon & see which characters have bodacious locks. Snip, snip.

Awesome Accessories

Collecting TMNT figures is a never-ending endeavor. With hundreds of toys in existence from generations of mutants, completing the collection is a daunting, unwinnable challenge. The hopeless goal of "getting it all" becomes even bleaker when you factor in the accessories. Each figure included a wacky assortment of extras. Weapons, sidekicks, wearable fashion - there are thousands of plastic pieces. My childhood bedroom floor was littered with these silly TMNT accessories. Although there are a heap of these things in The Sewer Den, here are 10 of my favorites.

Not Without My Irma

At 5 years old, I didn't know a whole lot of women. Outside of my mom, the ones in my life were on a different level. They required a "Miss" or "Mrs" title. Parents and teachers made up the majority of these women - adults who expected me to behave. It was through the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I was exposed to a different type of woman - a breed that didn't require the "Miss" or "Mrs" title. Nope, these fine ladies only went by their first names - a real shocker in the kid community. These women were strong. These women were silly. These women hung out with guys like me.

These women were April & Irma.

Issue 59: Sidekicks

Fashionistas will tell you - accessories are key to any outfit. As a toy collector, I will tell you - accessories are key to any action figure.

At the height of their popularity, hundreds of TMNT action figures were released. Each one was packed with an assortment of wacky accessories. Of the countless pieces created in the 90s, it was the bundled sidekicks that were my favorite. These quirky characters acted as companion pieces to the main figures. Each hunk of plastic was usually one solid color, lacked articulation, and completely hilarious. There are lots of these little guys dwelling in The Sewer Den. Let's look at a 10 gems.

Flea Market Finds: Summer 2015

When the weather heats up, people flock to empty lots across the country. The land transforms into a sea of organized chaos. Secondhand goods are sold or bartered in the hot, open air.

They buy. They sell. They roam.

Flea markets - usually a summer staple for me. Unfortunately, this season I hadn't been to any! During a recent visit to my parents in New Jersey, my Mom and I bucked that trend. We woke up early with the thrill of the hunt guiding us. What sort of treasures did I discover?

Issue 57: 10 Holy Grails

Remember those childhood toys that you dreamed about? Those illustrious pieces of plastic that you always wanted, but never got. Over time, that desire bubbled in your imagination. The simple toy transformed into your own personal Holy Grail.

Well, I have a lot of Holy Grails - all rooted in the TMNT universe. Decades of unfulfilled toy-collecting desire! Here are 10 Holy Grails I'm still searching for.

*These are based on personal interested, not rarities or worth.

First Gokin Krang: Your Other Action Figures Can't Do This

A box arrived on my doorstep from Dimension X. Inside, First Gokin Krang - a monster collectible that puts your other puny action figures to shame. It's a beast! The colossal toy is almost a foot in height and is about a cat in weight.

You've probably read plenty of reviews about this guy. I'm not going to discuss the points of articulation or superb quality - those are pretty obvious. Instead, let's look at 8 outlandish things and wacky scenarios First Gokin Krang can do that your other action figures cannot.

Issue 47: 5 Favorite Nickelodeon Figures

The TMNT toy universe is massive. With each new television series, a fresh wave of figures hit store shelves. Hundreds have been released over the years and Nickelodeon's Turtles hasn't bucked the trend. The latest series has only added to the huge slew of action figures.

I'll update and expand this list when new figures are released. But as of today, here are my 5 Favorite Nickelodeon Figures.

Issue 44: Summer Bugs

ISSUE 44: SUMMER BUGS

The woes of winter have subsided. Heavy coats are being phased out and replaced by sandals and sunglasses. Warming rays of sun burst through the clouds, bringing out happiness in everyone. A trip to the beach or a dip in the pool keeps you cool and calm. Barbecues, blockbusters, and the endless sunshine make summer a magical season.

But, don't forget about the bugs. An invasion commences when the weather warms. Growing up in New Jersey, insects swarmed in the summer season. My home was situated in the Pine Barrens, a wooded area riddled with pine trees and underbrush. Protection was needed if you were going to survive the onslaught of insects that lingered there. Spraying repellent became a daily routine. But, even that didn't help at times. Often I'd come home from a day of playing in the woods, covered in bug bites. My summer nights were spent applying ointments to the infected areas, battling the urge to scratch my wounds.

Those vexing pests weren't exclusive to the woods of New Jersey either. Many insects made their way into the TMNT universe too. Several still lurk in The Sewer Den. No need for bug repellent, these dudes are made of plastic.

Totally Tubular Treasures: Shogun Leo

TOTALLY TUBULAR TREASURES: SHOGUN LEO

New York Comic Con is an awesome experience, but overwhelming too. Navigating through the onslaught of people can be exhausting. The endless lines at panel doors and autograph booths make your feet hurt. But when you're favorite franchise of all time is at the event, every second of possible agony is worth it.

For me, this was clearly the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles booth. Nickelodeon pulled no punches in setting up an eye-popping environment. I mean, there's a huge sewer lid hanging from the ceiling! The perfect photo op for any fan.

 

The booth also offered a contest to win action figures from the past and present. Pretty simple to enter - snap a pic of any toy, tweet the photo using the action figure's hashtag, and include Nickelodeon's official TMNT Twitter account (@TMNTMaster). That's it. Keepin' it simple in the sewer.

Issue 24: Summertime

ISSUE 24: SUMMERTIME

School's out for summer, kids. It's finally time to soak up some rays and take a dip in the pool. My collection of TMNT-themed goodies have always covered the holidays and special occasions throughout the year - and the summer season is no different. Straight out of winter hibernation, I have a few Turtle-toys in The Sewer Den that have had their fair share of playtime during the dog day afternoons of summer.

Issue 23: Three-Pointer

ISSUE 23: THREE-POINTER

March Madness. Fill out your bracket, watch the games, and keep your fingers crossed. There's not much else you can do. But this year, you're in for something special. The Sewer Den has three basketball-inspired TMNT items that are a merchandising slam dunk. Let's start the clock…

Issue 20: Top 10 Mutants

ISSUE 20: TOP 10 MUTANTS

Merchandising. Forget that the Ninja Turtles had a TV show and a few movies, they made their sweet bucks selling a haul of silly goods. A typical day for a kid in the 90's was surrounded by the madness at every turn. You woke up in your green pajamas, followed by a bowl of nutritious Ninja Turtles Cereal for breakfast, then off to school with your TMNT-themed lunchbox, eventually returning home to eat dinner off your Raphael plate, and then finally you would find yourself drifting into sleep between your comfy Ninja Turtles bedsheets. It was fun for sure, but to the parents it must have been exhausting.

Issue 16: Bodacious Birthdays

ISSUE 16: BODACIOUS BIRTHDAYS

Happy Birthday to me. On October 27th of every year, I'm treated to a day of celebration. When I was a young gun in the late 80's and early 90's, a similar birthday invitation went out every year...

These parties were centered around the Ninja Turtles. Plates, napkins, balloons, the cake - Raphael even showed up one year!

But, as the years went on, the Turtles went out. Too cool for TMNT, my birthdays took a turn in a new, more mature direction. I'd be lying if I said Raphael was with me this year to blow out the candles on my birthday cake...

But after a long birthday-hiatus, the Ninja Turtles have returned. The recent creation of The Sewer Den has opened the door once again for Turtle, gift-giving opportunities. And boy, it was TMNT gifts galore!

Where these gifts came from remains a mystery to me. Mostly all of them are from the TMNT heyday, which makes them exceptionally special. So what treats was I unwrapping this year? Let's see how I celebrated this birthday...

Totally Tubular Treasures: Turtle Cycle (New York Comic Con)

TOTALLY TUBULAR TREASURES: NY COMIC CON

EDITOR'S NOTE: This column showcases my random discoveries of TMNT merchandise. Despite the extensive collection from my childhood, I still find myself making Turtle purchases as an adult. Totally Tubular Treasures highlights just that.

New York City. It really is a melting pot. So many people, so much culture. Every day there is something new brewing in this concrete jungle - an event at every turn. But, after almost a decade of residing here, there's one occasion I always seem to miss...

New York Comic Con.

Issue 12: Punk'd

ISSUE 12: PUNK'D

Casey Jones: "Hey, what are you, some sort of punker?"

 Raphael: "Huh?"

Casey Jones: "I hate punkers...especially bald ones with green make-up who wear masks over ugly faces..."

(a scene from the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles flick)

Within the first few minutes of the film, Casey Jones mistakenly believes Raphael to be a punk - a dedicated follower of punk rock music. Punk rock is defined as:

"A form of hard-driving rock 'n' roll originating in the 1970s, characterized by harsh lyrics attacking conventional society and popular culture, and often expressing alienation and anger."

Perhaps Casey was right in classifying Raphael as a punk. He wasn't the only one...the world always put the Ninja Turtles in this boat. When they weren't doing their infamous Ninja Rap with Vanilla Ice, the green machines embraced the spirit of the punk rock music. Perhaps this was a byproduct of their existence in the late 80's/early 90's era, but just look at the quick facts...